Therapy For New Fathers
Have You Recently Become A New Father?
Do you ever feel numb? Or the opposite, filled with anger like you’re going to explode?
Do you lie awake worrying about making mistakes? Do you feel guilty whenever you’re in a room with other dads who seem to “get it”? Are you feeling guilty that you are not as excited as you were a few months ago? Has your relationship with your partner changed? Do you find that you are in a bad mood or irritated more often?
Are you overwhelmed at times about thoughts about the future? Worried that you’re going to make the same mistakes your parents made? Are you unsure how to be the father you want to be? Afraid you’ll just always be the anxious dad not knowing what to do? Counseling for new fathers may be for you.
There’s good news. You can figure this out and it doesn’t have to be the reason you’re up all night
Self-Expectations
I have never met a new father who instinctually knew what he was doing all of the time. Never.
The new dads I meet can swing from confident to ‘scared out of their minds’ in seconds. Counseling for new fathers has given these dads the space–away from their partner, away from their parents, away from other fathers–to honestly talk about their unique experience. The highs, of course, but also the lows.
Feeling like you want to run away at times?
Has the realization dawned on you that Junior isn’t going back?
I hear this from anxious dads all the time. New fathers are often surprised to learn that they’re not alone in having these thoughts, but to admit these thoughts to others can feel impossible, especially in Brooklyn: the land where the Progressive Dad reigns.
Have any questions? Send us a message!
Merging New Identities
You may be struggling with these feelings in the midst of other men who are jealous of your fatherhood while others are angry that they’ve seemingly lost you as a friend. Counseling for new fathers gives you some needed space to sort out the changing identities you’re struggling with.
What part of you is the independent person who loves his job?
What part is the husband?
What part is the father?
And just how do all of these parts get integrated? Because they do. They really do.
It doesn’t mean that parts of you get lost, but it does mean that parts of you change. And, let’s just say it now: that can be upsetting. As men and women wait longer to have children it means that they’ve had more time to define themselves as individuals. Forging ahead as a couple brought it’s own share of issues and compromises. Negotiating with a newborn or a one year old–not happening. With a toddler, sure, but it’s going to be very different than with your partner. You’re in charge here and for many men that brings up a lot of anxiety. You don’t have to have been an anxious guy pre-fatherhood to be an anxious dad now.
The Why’s and How’s of Counseling For New Fathers
Let me tell you about Kirk:
Kirk was lost when he came into my office. Hadn’t slept, or at least not had a full night’s sleep, in a while. In talking Kirk realized that in all the excitement throughout the pregnancy he had not really understood what it meant to have a totally helpless entity taking over his house, his relationship, his free time, his work time. His wife had been the one to encourage counseling, but he still didn’t know what he was doing there. He wouldn’t have called himself an anxious dad at the time, but she did. Counseling is especially hard when you’re there because someone else told you to go. But he dove in. No, I should say he waded in very slowly. He discussed what, first his wife and then, secondly (and most importantly, but don’t tell her) what HE wanted to get out of sessions. Much of his fears and anger were normalized, and then he could focus on what kind of father he wanted to be. His father and mother were discussed. They taught him some great things–loyalty to family, strong work ethic–and they taught him some other things he swore as a twelve year old, and now as a thirty three year old, that he would never do or say to his son. He was worried that his father’s voice would come out when he was angry. Talking about it to someone who was not living in his home, someone he was not co-parenting with, and someone who was not comparing his own experience with gave him the freedom to make his own choices as a father.
Imagine if you could get some of that excitement back!
I’ve been told by past anxious dads that they felt comfortable talking about embarrassing feelings and thoughts because they sensed I would not judge them. They were not looking to be diagnosed with something. They knew they wouldn’t be made to feel that they were mentally ill, but just that they were struggling and wanted a support who was available and who would listen. And this is even more so with the growing popularity of online counseling. Working dads who were worried about losing even more time with their baby by having to head to and from a counseling session are now able to meet from home–sometimes while holding their child! The convenience of online counseling is only overshadowed by its effectiveness, in fact many guys tell me they feel more open to talk about challenging stuff with the distance of online counseling, and the ease of being able to do this from home (or work, if their office allows them to find a private spot!)
Have Questions About Therapy For New Fathers?
Take the First Step Toward Recovery
ou’d like to talk more about counseling feel free to get in touch with me. I look forward to hearing from you. You don’t have to be an anxious dad for their whole childhood!
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