I like new beginnings. Taking stock, starting over. All things seem possible. I remember when it was time to go back to school as a kid. I didn’t love the back-to-school part, but I liked having all the new stuff. Notebooks, pens, all that. (Anyone remember Trapper Keepers? Indian Jones lunch boxes?) New beginnings are great. I like starting a new job, I like a fresh coat of paint. Making change seems like a breeze.
I think: This time, it’s going to be perfect.
And then the second day comes. Making change seems impossible again.
Suddenly it’s January 15th and I haven’t gone to the gym more than once. Or it’s October 1988 and my marble composition book is already falling apart. It’s four months into a relationship that was going to be different, and it feels pretty much the same old same old.
Same sh*t, different day–as they say.
And you gotta be asking yourself, why? I was so ready for it to be different this time. I felt like I was more aware of the signs. I was going slower, I was thinking more, I was checking in with others. Making change was in my grasp, but it slipped away again. But still.
Guys especially are big fans of the ‘scorched earth’ theory of living: Ok, this wasn’t working, Scratch the whole thing and start anew. This time when I’m making change it’ll be perfect.
- I’ll be in charge
- I’ll have more control
- It’s all up to me now
- I know what to expect
- I know what to look out for
Except, as they also say, at the end of the day you’re still you.
Because if you haven’t done any internal work, you’re probably going to keep ending up in the same external place.
Becoming Aware and Making Change
This year, make it a point to look at the parts of you that are invisible. What are the unconscious saboteurs that are stopping you from being, well, you?
Does the outward You jive with who you feel you are inside? I remember having to do some major internal work in my acting school days. It would be pretty revealing what people would do, especially in that first year when you would get a chance to bring in your own monologues and portray the characters you connected with the most. Someone would perform a character that they would never be “typed” as. Now show business is a business and I’ll leave typecasting for others to figure out, but there was an important lesson in integrity and courage there.
Who do we think we are and who do we show we are? This is what can get you into trouble each time you start a new project if you don’t first reconnect to the “you” that you are bringing to it.
- Are you still the guy who is unaware that your sarcasm masks your anger or your hurt?
- Are you still the man who is passive and allows others to do what they want first?
And even if you are aware of this, do you still fall into these traps or other patterns that were laid down long before you were conscious of what was happening?
The Patterns Aren’t Your Identity
My news here is that these patterns aren’t necessarily “you” even if you’ve claimed the mantle of the “laid-back guy who’s up for anything” or the “witty and sarcastic guy who makes (mostly) everybody laugh.”
If that mantle is not working out for you, then you can shift it and making change requires it.
First you need to become aware of yourself BEFORE you go into your pattern. Then, become aware of the sensation you’re trying to avoid. Maybe that’s confrontation, fear of letting others down, maybe showing that something someone said was cutting to you, maybe you’re angry and you’re worried what that anger would look like if you let it out.
The next step, of course, is learning not to respond in the same old worn out way that puts you in the same relationship, the same workspace, the same old same old that you were hoping would be different.
It’s not easy, but becoming aware is the first step and if you can do that, you’re going to be able to make a larger change. Every week I work with men (and some women) who are trying to alter habits and patterns that they’d previously thought were their identity. We figure out how you can keep who you know you really are and still let go of traits that are holding you back from
- the marriage,
- the job,
- being the father
- or friend that you know, in your best moments, that you can be.
I regularly hear from my clients how worth it this trek is when they begin working for themselves, when they are able to let go of a relationship that was holding them back, or when they are able to move toward a relationship they had been cautious of.
So what is stopping you from making change? From making this the year that you get that new job, that you start enjoying online dating, or that you build your confidence in being a father? Start by becoming aware of what leads you into your patterns.
As always, if you’d like support with this or want to know more about men’s counseling in Brooklyn, please don’t hesitate to reach out and contact me for your free 15 minute consultation.
Justin Lioi, LCSW is a men’s mental health and relationship expert based in Brooklyn, NY (and online throughout New York State and internationally.) He received his degree from New York University and has been working in family and men’s counseling for over 10 years. Justin is on the Board of the National Association of Social Workers and writes a weekly column for the Good Men Project called Unmasking Masculinity. He can be found on local and national podcasts talking about assertiveness, anger, self-compassion, all with the goal of becoming the man you want to be.